A Healthy Food Culture

I've been thinking about food a lot lately. Why? Because for the past 9 years of my life, I've been obsessed with it. Now, I'm not talking about being obsessed with loving food...I'm talking about being obsessed with hating it. Like almost every other woman in the world, I was obsessed with avoiding, loathing, and disdaining food...especially if it tasted really good. The reason? Because my attitude about food was that it was a necessary evil. I have to eat to stay alive, but in the process of staying alive, I can't help but gain weight.

I'm no skinny-minny. My brothers called me "Sturdy" growing up. I'm still not sure if they meant that to be a compliment, but regardless of their intention, I didn't take it that way. I never really liked my body much, but it didn't really bother me until I went to college. No offense to BYU or anything, but if you've got problems with body image, it's really the worst place in the world. Seeing all of those skinny beautiful people gave me reason to really begin a silent attitude of self-loathing. I went vegan, worked out and danced like a crazy person, and constantly watched everything I was eating. It did nothing for my size; not only that, it did nothing for my body image. When my body has been in better shape, I've still hated it. I used to think those anorexic girls who thought they were fat at 83 pounds were crazy, but it looks like I wasn't that different from them. No matter what I looked like, I hated myself. This kind of attitude is unhealthy.

I've done some reading (In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan - highly recommended), a lot of thinking, and even more praying, an I've come to a new ideology about food. It is based around having a healthy food culture. Here it is:

Staying healthy is the least important reason to eat. Eating is for identity, for social opportunities, for expression, and for enjoyment. In the book I mentioned, he talks a lot about guilt. We have a serious problem with guilt. We guilt ourselves out of enjoying things. I watched a movie that talked about it too, called "Eat, Pray, Love" (loved it!). This movie talked about it too. Check out this awesome clip. Like she says in the clip, it's not healthy to always feel guilty; to remember each night every little thing we ate and guilt-trip ourselves about everything (I've even felt bad about eating broccoli before).

From here out, I'm going to have a healthy food culture, and if that means I'll have a "muffin top", then that's OK. I look good. Brian loves the way I look, and so should I. Instead of focusing on self-deprivation, I'm going to treat myself. Now, I don't plan to binge on crap food or anything. That's not at all what I mean. I want to be healthy for my future and for my present. I'm happier when I feel healthier. And besides, eating like that is gluttony. If you're eating so much that you can't actually appreciate each bite, you've gone too far. It's about health and pleasure. If you're not really enjoying it, there's no reason to eat it. You see what I mean by a healthy food culture? Food should be a wonderful part of my life; not a necessary evil! I remember someone once saying that they wished food didn't taste...that it was just tasteless. Then no one would over-eat, and we'd all be skinny. As much as I totally see where that's coming from, that would be horrible! Food is a wonderful, beautiful part of life, and I'm determined to enjoy it.

Feeding yourself is loving yourself. Besides, being skinnier doesn't make people like you more. They'll like you if they're going to, regardless of your size. A lot of the people I know met their future spouse when they were in the worst shape of their life. When I was engaged to Brian, I was really out of shape, and you know what? He didn't care. Not only that, he didn't notice. I complained about my belly almost non-stop, and it was the complaining that got on his nerves. He wanted me to see myself like he sees me. I realize that's probably impossible, but the basic idea is right. I needed to learn to love myself, and to see myself as a beautiful daughter of God. Not only that...as a beautiful, sexy, desirable woman. There's a reason why men are attracted to confident women. The complaining only shows insecurity. Confidence attracts them because when you feel beautiful, you look beautiful.

Ever wonder why every bride looks beautiful? It's because in that moment, she feels beautiful. She feels desirable, and she feels confident. That confidence is beauty. When I think this, I feel such a sense of relief. It's a lot of pressure to carry around so much self-loathing, guilt, and deprivation. Those feelings have only ever led me to hate myself, binge, and then hate myself more because I binged. Also, depriving myself of something only made it more attractive, rendering it impossible to resist. It's a never-ending cycle. Feeling hungry isn't healthy. Feeling stuffed isn't the greatest, but feeling satisfied is good, and depriving myself of satisfaction is unhealthy.

I have a beautiful, healthy body. I am blessed to have that. And feeling that way only makes it more true. Like she says in the clip, I'm through with the guilt. So that's it: a healthy food culture. That's the ticket. Forget everything else.